“Vivi quatro dias no paraíso ao lado do meu amor, trocando juras intensas e verdadeiras”. Esse é o resumo, numa frase de uma linha, do que foi o primeiro encontro com meu amor, no mês passado, em João Pessoa.
Depois, de volta, continuava com os pés levemente afastados do chão, como num êxtase prolongado. Passei o primeiro sábado no Hopi Hari, ainda confortável, com a minha filha, usufruindo o presente dado pelo meu amor, mas quem estava presente era ela. Como eu queria que ela estivesse conosco, rindo de nossas brincadeiras, comendo nossa comida, passando calor e frio no mesmo dia, conforme os desígnios do fim de abril em São Paulo.
No domingo, surgiu a ressaca, a alegria do parque foi substituída por um vazio intenso e uma tristeza profunda. Sentia, demais a ausência de Clara. O cansaço e a ressaca do passeio me fizeram passar o dia em casa, aumentando o branco em mim, uma lacuna. Era como se os fatos passassem em frente ao meu rosto, sem deixar marcas.
Só havia espaço para uma pergunta, parafraseando Drummond: “E agora, Marcelo?”.
Essa era a abertura do texto que eu escreveria na noite de domingo passado ou no início da semana passada, mas que, devido ao trabalho, a retomada da rotina, etc, eu acabei não escrevendo e não publicando.
Os dias passam e buscamos eu e a Clara a resposta juntos. Outro dia, num papo sobre filhos, na verdade, sobre quando tê-los, ela questionou sobre a diferença de experiências entre nós e eu disse: “Onde tá a confusão? Isso é normal”. Sabiamente, do alto de seus 21 anos, ela respondeu: “É normal, por isso é confusão”.
Ela tem toda razão, pois se antes de nos conhecermos havia dúvidas de que nosso relacionamento é real, após os quatro dias juntos na Paraíba, não há dúvida nenhuma de que o que sentimos um pelo outro é verdadeiro e normal. E, sendo normal, um sentimento humano, cheio de imperfeições, confusões.
Para concluir o assunto, naquela conversa matinal rápida, lapidei:
“Onde tem gente, onde tem emoção, meu amor, é sempre assim...
sempre vai ter confusões, o coração vai sofrer apertos...
sabia disso desde que fui praí, mesmo quando tínhamos nossas pequenas tensões.
Hoje, eu não sinto mais aquele aperto no coração a cada vez que temos nossas rusgas.
A ansiedade negativa agora passou e deu lugar apenas a uma saudade positiva, a saudade das boas lembranças.
O futuro não é mais medo ou algo a se temer, é uma esperança.
E eu te amo. Você é a razão de tudo isso.”
E passados 11 dias da última vez que estive com você, meu amor, e aguardando ainda 51 para estar com você de novo, continuo achando a mesma coisa. O futuro não é mais algo a se temer, é uma esperança. E eu te amo.
Desculpe qualquer erro nos últimos dias, aqui de longe é difícil ser perfeito ao expressar algo, mas a gente já venceu a distância uma vez, vamos vencê-la de novo e encontraremos a resposta juntos. Te amo.
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E agora, Clara?
Muito obrigada meu amor. Ficou lindo. Lindo como o que sentimos, lindo como foram os dias que passei nos seus braços.
Vocês dois quem são presentes maravilhosos na minha vida. Tudo é pouco diante da alegria e da felicidade que os dois me proporcionam.
Nossas confusões, nossas discrepâncias, nossas diferenças são absolutamente normais e responsáveis pelo fortalecimento dos nossos laços e pela diminuição dessa distância.
Filhos, quando tê-los? Quando for o momento certo, quando acabarmos com a distância, quando soubermos lidar com todas as desavenças.
Que esses 51 sejam apenas mais uma fase de preparação e mais conhecimento para que juntos possamos desfrutar ao máximo de mais momentos juntos, agora eu, você e Isabella.
E dessa vez irei passar frio e calor entre vocês, comerei das comidinhas, ficarei com a barriga doendo de rir das piadas e voltarei pra casa certa de que o futuro é real.
Te amo.
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